i hope to get back around to posting soon. just haven’t had drive or motivation to do so.
i just want to share this…
i want this shame to go away. i want to be free.
i’ve got to be free.
i’ve heard it said that perfection comes with patience, or something like that. and see, i have a knack for settling, for conceding, and for sometimes just being plain impatient. i can think of many references in my mind that fit this. i’m not where i (think i) want to be in my relationship with God, although i am definitely in love. i’m not married yet, although i am definitely in love. transitions are difficult for me. i would be much rather be here or there, not so much in between.
i like process, i like order, but i’m finding i don’t so much like the process itself. i know i’m not perfect. i would love to be there. i’m not married, and i enjoy being engaged, but i still know that i have not arrived, crossed the line, broken the barrier. even more exciting and frustrating, is that once i have arrived, i still haven’t really. i’ve also heard, and know, and to my slight dismay, understand that life is a journey. but all in all, it wouldn’t be the same without a little game of limbo. to see how you can be bent, shaped, molded, flexed, and clapped for. there’s comfort in that, in a big way, God is our biggest fan. he will always be cheering the loudest, there to pick you up when the bar is a little too low, to bring justice to the person that is holding his end of the bar lower than that other guy which caused you to fall.
i’m learning to deal with disappointment. i’m starting to see that a lot of my life’s occurences, in the end, don’t matter as much as i thought, or don’t matter in the way that i thought. sometimes, you just have to wait. wait for perfection to be achieved. wait for life to happen. wait for God, his word, his promise that will endure. as americans, we are used to the quick fix. when something breaks, we go to the store, buy the part to fix the problem, and do it ourselves. or we pay someone else to do it. 24/7 plumbing service, computer service, walmart.
what happened to waiting? i’m pretty excited to be in the biggest wait of my life to date. i could almost get used to it, because i can see the prize. how much more excited should i be for the prize i cannot yet see?
wasn’t sure if you knew this…but you can buy the syrups they use in the coffee at starbucks…they’re gonna lose business now that i can make my toffee nut lattes at home 
it’s kinda sad i guess, showing that i really am in love with coffee…its probably my third love. a bottle of the toffee nut syrup stuff was $7.50 i think, and it is enough to make 32 of the grande toffee nut lattes. so, i’ll be saving money too. not as much as if i didn’t drink coffee at all, but that’s not an option…hehe. it’s actually been medically shown to be good for you (maybe not so much the sugar…but that’s what working out is for, right?) check it out, for the men at least:
Know Your Joe by Men’s Health Magazine.
…when you must make a change. you really don’t want to. but you know you have to. everything in you is saying that nothing will be right unless you take what seems like the hardest step you possibly could. i know i am being incredibly vague. regardless, i wanted to share that i am laying something down, for the joy of something better.
and yes i’m still marrying betsy on july 28, 2007. that’s not what this is about… 
so we know that song by darrell evans “trading my sorrows”
and the “laying them down for the joy of the Lord” verse…talking about sickness and sorrow, pain and shame. well, i’ve felt a lot of that lately. a lot of it is self-inflicted. see, when your walk is shaped by your insecurities, short-comings, and selfishness, it will always be lacking. and painful. i look back, and i don’t really think i have been truly joyful for a while. i’ve been running on short-term fixes and emotional highs, and not been walking in truth, faith, and love. i’ve been looking to other places rather than God’s word for affirmation, pleasure, and joy. i’ve traded simple pleasures for high expectations. and i’m sorry i did.
i have a lot of growing to do. it’s going to be painful. but the reward will be worth it. i just know it.
Lord, you are good
and your love is everlasting.
that’s a really good thing, because i’d be lost without it.
so the semester is wrapping up. my big presentation is finished. i’m just glad it’s done. could i have done it better?
surely. but God, thank you for grace. i just want to praise you in every way i know how. and i probably haven’t been very praiseworthy lately. i feel i’ve been selfish, rotten, and bitter. i truly do not deserve his love. i don’t love a lot of me right now. i’m not saying i don’t love me. i just see a lot of things that have to go.
i am excited though. mine and betsy’s shower is tomorrow! 
that’s enough for now. more later.
for the Lord is good, and his mercy endures forever.
you delight in showing mercy.
the Lord is gracious and slow to anger,
he is rich in love, he is good to all.
Lord, show these things to me. i sing about them. but they haven’t sunk
in. how can it be? i don’t understand.
so, a post.
today was a weird day. i’m seeing things in me that need to change. they needed to change yesterday. but thankfully, God has mercy and patience. and grace. blessed grace.
i have the call of King David in my heart right now…it goes a little something like this…
i will sing of your love and justice
to you, O Lord, i will sing praise.
i will be careful to lead a blameless life-
when will you come to me?
i will walk in my house
with a blameless heart.
i will set before my eyes
no vile thing.
you know the rest, it’s psalm 101… i heard it resound during prayer time at my church on tuesday night.
i am blown away by the psalms. the hearts of the writers of this book….man, i wish i could put to words what i feel sometimes. these people called out to their God. i can barely pray everyday, half heartedly at that.
i want to know my God. the God in our midst. the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, who is coming back to reign and rule. i want to know my King. and i know nothing will be right with me until i know Him.
just wanted to say that this will be my new home. yay! posts to follow!
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